Author Offers 'Sexting' Advice For Parents

If you haven’t had a conversation with your teenagers about cellphone rules and “sexting,” it’s not too late. The , 18, for allegedly sending sexually explicit photos to a 16-year-old Lake Elsinore girl provides a teachable moment to jump-start the discussion.

Don’t be fooled by a blank stare or feigned ignorance of sexting. Survey data from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (see attached PDF) show that 48 percent of teens say they have received sexually suggestive messages, and 20 percent have sent or posted nude or seminude photos or video of themselves. The numbers may be higher now, as the 2008 survey preceded the smartphone explosion.

Avoid the parental instinct to ask, “You wouldn’t do anything like that, would you?” That’s the advice of Jill Murray, Laguna Niguel therapist and author of But I Love Him and other books on teen relationships. Instead, ask your teen, “Why do you think someone would send nude photos of himself? If you knew someone who did that, what would you think of that person?” This paves the way to talk about self-perception, and how your teen wants to be viewed and treated by others.   

Talk about consequences. Teens — and many parents — are unaware that an 18-year-old who sends explicit photos to an underage boyfriend or girlfriend faces jail time. Even underage teens who send explicit photos of themselves can be charged with soliciting, possessing, and distributing child pornography. Make sure your teenagers understand that what may seem like flirtation or a special, romantic bond can come back to haunt them in awful ways, creating legal problems, torpedoing their college applications, or damaging their job prospects.

Nothing Is Private

Remind your teen that once photos are out there, they can never be taken back. Girls may share suggestive photos of themselves with a boyfriend, falsely believing that no one else will see them. “That is the biggest lie ever told,” says Murray. “I don’t care who the boyfriend is or how much he loves you. Those photos are going to be forwarded, they will not stay private, and you have no control whatsoever over where they go.”

Parents of teen boys can ask their sons how they think receiving nude photos of a boy impacts a girl. “Boys don’t want to wreck their futures, and they can be taught to be responsible, respectful men,” Murray says. She advises parents to ask teen boys what they think would happen if a girl’s parents took her cellphone and found nude photos of a boy.

Keep in mind that your teen’s brain is still developing, and that teenagers are still learning the discipline of impulse control. Suggest that your teen stop and think every time before hitting “send.”

Be a Parent, not a Pal

Make sure you have the password to your child’s phone. Take a look at the bill, and be watchful for activity between midnight and 5 a.m., when most sexting takes place. Murray advocates keeping teens’ phones in the parents’ room at night.

Let your teen know that you plan to take an occasional look at what’s on his or her phone, not to scrutinize every detail but to be sure that nothing inappropriate or harmful is there. Your teen may set up a fearful protest, but stand firm. Make this oversight a condition of having the phone. It’s your job as a parent to protect your teen, and this is part of that responsibility.

Treacy Colbert is the co-author, with Sheila Overton, M.D., of the book Before It's Too Late: What Parents Need to Know about Teen Pregnancy and STD Prevention.